Part 3 of Midnight train … to nowhere. How my train trip to Bangkok got punked.....

“Where are you staying in Bangkok! ” snorts the surly immigration agent that appears to be immune to my dimples and blind to the fact that I clearly wrote the full name and address of my abode on my entry slip in capital letters.

Before my introduction to the unfriendliest person I ever met in Thailand (well, except for that one barista in Chiang Mai who seemed allergic to hello and thank you), the first part of my non- V.I.P bus ride was smooth and uneventful; no blown tires and no break downs in the middle of nowhere as I worry about unexploded landmines. I nibble on my M&M peanuts and occasionally chat with my seat partner in between nodding off.

Getting stamped out of Laos was a breeze while time seemed to stop upon entry into Thailand. Something told me to get in another line once I realized the one I chose seemed to be reserved for snails. Plus the agent in the other line at least looked friendlier than the one I was stuck in. Jump over, slide under or just circle around to the next line - I should not have let the metal bars make me hesitate to switch lines.

Well, after what seemed like an eternity, I finally am introduced to the agent who clearly either can't read or who wanted to flex his muscles underneath all his fat. After I repeatedly verbalize what was already written, in exasperation I show him the address from the snap shots on my phone - the same exact address that matches what I wrote on the slip.

He mumbles to the agent next to him for a while and does something on the computer that is probably related to verifying the address I gave him. I guessed the nitwit received his confirmation from whatever source was good enough since my handwritten and saved info on my phone were not.

Without a word, he hands my passport back to me as I silently thank god that I was neither strip-searched nor had an agent’s finger up my butt. I am one of the last people to get back on the bus and couldn’t leave the checkpoint fast enough.

A few minutes later we pull into Nong Khai station and my seat partner and I go separate ways. A petite well dressed woman from the bus company leads me and 3 other foreigners to a VERY nice office across from the main station. This is the office for the next V.I.P bus and it is really nice! The floor is sparking clean due to the "no shoes" policy, there are books, magazines, fast free wifi,a clean western bathroom and a large flat screen tv blasting Thai programming.

“Ohh la la”, I think to myself, “ The next part of the trip must certainly have the REAL V.I.P experience. Look at this office. This office would never service outdated dingy buses with no entertainment, no meal, no bathroom and give me the worse seat!”.

As luck would have it, after four hours of enjoying the hi-speed wifi on my laptop, an outdated dingy bus with no entertainment pulls up outside the office. Maybe the bathroom was on the bottom level, I did not even want to check. And yes..you guessed it, my seat number 11A is upstairs in the very last row and right under the freezing cold A/C. I try my best not to cuss too loudly…I tried.

Considering the fact that we checked in several hours early, I am stumped as to why I - once again- like on the Vietnam to Laos bus, get the worse seat in the house…huummmmm.

I try to change seats and explain to the driver my seat is too cold. The bus is barely half full before we pull out so I am trying to explain that I would like to change seats, just like two of the OTHER foreigners did with little issue or questions.

He gives me a hard time and wants me to sit right next to one of the other foreigners when there are SEVERAL seats still available. I did not get the seat I really wanted but we compromised and I just sat in the row right behind where he tried to place me. I am annoyed at clearly being lied to about what type of bus this would be - especially when I saw real V.I.P buses RIGHT next to ours.

For now, no one is next to me and I am not right under the A/C. I sniff the blanket to check for cleanliness because I am very OCD with that stuff. To my surprise, it passes the sniff test.

Sigh, now I get to sit back, recline and relax under my blanket until the lights go right back on 2 hours later at the next stop — express yeah right — as an agent exclaims, “Where is your ticket?” I silently roll my eyes and slowly look back past the agent to see a long line of people in the aisle. Well, someone officially has the seat I got to enjoy for barely 2 hours as I grumble my way back to seat 11A, right under the A/C.

At this point, I remind myself to not cuss too loudly.

Once again, my eyes roll like dice, I cuss quietly several times and I sniff my new blanket. The blanket on the other seat smelled slightly better. I am glad it passed the sniff test because it is the only thing that will stop me from freezing for the next 10 hours. We are given a small water bottle, small bag of chips and very tiny snack of extremely tasty fried chicken breast and cole slaw. The serving size of the chicken and slaw were fit for a Smurf but it was a welcome treat.

The lights go down and I start to meditate. I think about hearing the (now late) Tina Turner doing her impressive buddhist chants on the Larry King show a few years ago. I silently chant in my head and start to relax as I clasp my hands underneath my blanket. “It is going to be alright, it is going to be ok”, I tell myself as I meditate and chant.

I have visions of Pad Thai and healthy smoothies. I feel my spirit transcending the situation.

Yes, I am in the zone UNTIL…….drip….drip…….on my forehead…..oh heck naw…..now my meditation is abruptly interrupted by words that would make Sam Jackson and Richard Pryor blush as I realized that this giant A/C directly over my head is occasionally DRRRRRRIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPIIIIIIINNNNNGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!! - like A/Cs tend to do.

I pull my hood further down and put my mask on. This is going to be a long ride.

Part 4 coming up......Bangkok!!!